KFC Continues Bringing the Booty With the Doublicious
If you thought KFC's Double Down was an extraordinary feat of fast-food salaciousness, the stuff of wet dreams -- like suffering a fatal heart attack mid coitus -- then we have one for you. KFC is following up the Double Down with the Doublicious sandwich (now with bread!), according to the OC Register's Fast Food Maven, who first broke the story.
Only wusses and healthy people prefer bread as sandwich toppers.
We wanted to know how the Colonel's R&D goons went from virile Double Down to the vanilla Doublicious. Asked for an explanation, Rick Maynard, KFC's public relations manager, said the only similarity is chicken. Gone is the second filet and added is a bun. That's like giving a woman with 36DDs half a breast augmentation. The Double Down was perfect. Gratuitous but perfect. All else is caloric insult to cardiovascular injury.
As with the Double Down, customers will have two versions from which to choose -- Original Recipe or grilled. The original is composed of an Original Recipe fillet with bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. The "healthier" option is a grilled fillet with Monterey Jack cheese, lettuce and honey-mustard BBQ sauce. All of this is bound by a late '80s/early'90s classic, Hawaiian bread -- that sugary carb beloved of suburban fathers for its squishiness, much like the bed on which they were told, "not tonight, honey." Boring.
If you're going to freakin' KFC looking for healthy options, you might be missing the point.
"The Hawaiian bread provides a nice, sweet taste that complements the savory flavor of the chicken. Sweet and savory, therefore 'Doublicious'," said Maynard. Sweet and savory like the Rubenesque shorty in our eighth-grade math class, the one whose trunk junk had satellites -- boys who secretly lusted for a taste of her sweet buns publicly disparaged her as the school "fatty." In other words, glorious but wholesome!
The Doublicious will be available Monday July 5th. Stay tuned. We'll be at the nearest KFC bright and early next Monday for one of the first Doubliciouses with a report to follow.