Five Douchebag Food Mascots

By Nick Rallo Tue., May 11 2010 at 2:36 PM

Categories: Lists

There must be a hundred food items on the planet with marketing plans targeted at men. Some are diverse and creative, and others are just plain sexual pandering. We're guessing there's a boardroom somewhere filled with high-powered marketing Mad Men hatching some "perfect" look to grab male attention for their wings, burgers, beverages, beer, beer, beer and beer. Did we mention beer?

In tailoring this look, some food products have achieved the most annoying offense: pitch men who wittingly or subliminally border on douchebaggery. We here at City of Ate have created a list highlighting these male marketing gaffs: See below, the five douchiest male food mascots.

1. Papa John - His commercials where he "crashes" a TV set and gets the audience to chorally shout "better ingredients, better pizza" is worthy of the D-Bag title all by itself. Also, that picture from the Papa Johns website featuring a boyish looking Papa tossing pizza dough in front of a Tuscan backdrop--it's fast food pizza, doufus, not some rolling countryside find. And Papa John's founder, John Schnatter, is not from Italy--he's from Indiana.

2. Golden Crisp "Sugar Bear" -- This may be an icon for younger kids, but as an adult you realize that the Golden Crisp Bear looks like that bleached surf-hair dude you saw coming out of Hollister, sipping on Jamba Juice. You remember that guy? That guy you wished would be devoured by a shark on his next wave run.

3. Gorton's Fisherman - Yes, you're a "bad ass fisherman," but take off that slicker once and a while and put on a cable-knit sweater and a tweed hat or something. We get the point, Gort, you're a friggin' fisherman.

4. Chester the Cheetah - Sunglasses in a Cheetohs factory? His previous job could have been as the "Girls Gone Wild: Miami" host.

5. Jared Fogle, Jared, my douche, you've had an amazing run as the Subway spokes-master. But no matter how much weight you've lost, no one equates Subways with healthy living. And we're sick of looking at your over-sized jeans.Get rid of them, and those chinos can go, too.