Top 10 Things We Wish Waiters Would Never Say Again--Ever

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Top 10 Things We Wish Waiters Would Never Say Again--Ever

Face it: Your waiter can make or break a meal.

It's all about attitude, baby, and if he or she has a crappy one, well, it doesn't matter what the hell they dish out. Because you can't take it. Pissed off makes everything taste bitter--the moistest tenderloin, the hottest tamale, the fluffiest soufflé. If you had wanted to take shit from someone, you could have stayed at home and eaten your wife's cooking. Heard the joke about the waiter who refused to take a table's order? Course you didn't, 'cause it's just not funny.

Certainly there are wonderful servers out there, patient, generous souls who offer suggestions for the uneducated palate, who see their mission as adding value to the tight entertainment dollar. Then again, there are those servers who neglect, who trifle, who despite your earlier arrival, seem to deny your very existence by waiting and feeding the party of six at the next table first. And despite the verbal abuse, the haughty mistreatment, the eyebrow raised in snobbish rebuke, you bite your tongue, hoping against hope that your waiter doesn't hock a loogie into your linguini when no one's looking.

We at City of Ate have complied a list of some of those mind-numbing wait staff sayings that just set our teeth on edge. Things we wish they would lose from their Model Servers lexicon. And we invite you to add to the list in the comments section. Because in this post you need not fear retribution, nor worry that someone is going to grudge-fuck with your food.

10. Sorry, we can't seat you until everyone in your party is here.
(Whatthe..There's only one customer here and I'm pretty sure it's a waiter on break!)
From Gizmodo
Hey dudes, I'm training, but I'll be your waiter tonight.


9. Hi. This is Mike. I'm going to be training him today, so he'll be following me around.
(Just great! Guess we can forget about dinner and a movie.)

8. "No, that doesn't come with fries."
(And this doesn't come with a tip, either. Raises middle finger)

7. Is Diet Pepsi all right?"
(No, it's not all right. Diet Coke is totally different. And you'll know that once your metabolism slows down and you can't wear those skinny jeans.)

6. "I haven't tried it, but people say they really like it."
(And just who are these people and why do you trust them?)

newhumananatomy1.jpg

5. Are you still working on that?
(Yes, and if you touch my plate I will stab your hand with my fork!)

4. Did you save any room for dessert?
(Now that I have the Stomach Compactor 5000, I have room for 3.6 desserts)

3. Wow! You must have been hungry.
(Fuck you.)

2. "You want change?"
(You want a tip?)

1. Sorry, but your credit card was declined. Do you have another you'd like to try?
(No, I don't. It looks like I'm going to decline payment. Have a nice day. Exits quickly.)

Thumbnail image for scanners-headexplode.jpg
This is what entry #1 makes us feel like.



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58 comments
bestserverever
bestserverever

This is total bull shit, obviously you have never been a server...fuck off!

johnniejeffers
johnniejeffers

Why is number 1 "Your credit card was declined"?  How is that your server's fault?  And what other way would you like us to explain this to you?  Here's my pet peeve that customers say.  "Are you sure you ran it correctly?  Try it again."  No, I've only done this umpteen billion times but with your credit card I somehow forgot how to run a card.

"This doesn't come with fries."  So just order a side of fries a la carte dumb ass.

"Is diet Coke okay?"  This is usually uttered after you have asked the server what kind of drinks we carry and after listing 5 bazillion drinks, you ask for one that was not listed.  Maybe you would just like us to repeat the list for you.

I agree with number 2.  That is rude, but some unskilled servers are not trying to be mean.  They are trying to avoid another trip, if you don't need change.

Most of this article just seems like you are an angry person in general.


jahand
jahand

I don't get it. Is this supposed to be satirical? 

CrackerBarrelServer
CrackerBarrelServer

10. To be efficient in a fair way, we seat those who are actually ready.  This way we don't start sitting a bunch of tables that won't order ahead of parties that had the decency to be ready before asking for a table.

9.  Mike, (the trainee), will actually help me in giving you quicker service with the same great quality.

8.  Yes, you can still get fries with that.  You're looking at the 'Sandwich only' section.  It's a great deal if you chose one of the selections from the 'Sandwich and a side' section.  You can find all of our tasty sandwiches there.

7.  Well, we also have water; sweet tea; unsweet tea; hot chocolate; hot teas of many kinds; decaf and regular coffee; root beer; diet root beer; orange cream soda; milk of many types from buttermilk to skim, including chocolate milk; Fanta; Mellow Yellow; Sprite; Dr Pepper; Diet Dr Pepper; Raspberry tea; lemonade; raspberry lemonade; apple juice; apple cider; tomato juice; orange juice; cranberry juice; grapefruit juice; or many other bottled beverages that you can find out in the store area.

6.  'People' are other guests who might even have the same taste as you.  If you don't end up liking it, let me know and we will find something that suits you tastes.

5.  i just want to insure you a great visit, so keeping your table tidy you comfortable is a high priority for me.

4.  We offer some great desserts here.  If I don't mention them, some guests might miss out on something they may have really enjoyed.  And if you want it for later, we can always make it to go, so you can enjoy our food in the comfort of your own home.

3.  I can see how this might be offensive, and would only say this after really feeling out the atmosphere and knowing for sure that we are at that comfort level.

2.  I have never asked this and never will.  I don't now, but have worked for restaurants where I had to run the bill.  It would be rude and presumptuous to ask this question.

1.  I'll convey your concern and explain the situation to my manager, and they will be able to assist you from this point...be right back.  

I work my butt off every day for many hours as a server with the most important duty as pleasing people.  I only make 2.13 per hour.  i bend over backwards to make guests happy, and to come across those who have this outlook is depressing and i take it personally when I spend an hour treating you better than your own mother ever did at meal time and you leave me 50 cents because you wanted diet coke instead of diet pepsi.  People with this attitude are not funny...and should have never left their home that day.  i take this article as a personal insult.  If there is even the slightest chance of this attitude spreading because someone read this, it is going to ruin some poor server's day, or even their week.  If I could figure out how to make money by writing stupid columns like this at my own home, I would; however, my articles would be very different.  

Andrew
Andrew

 Consider take out. You are not likeable and there is nothing we servers can do.

dani
dani

This article was clearly written by someone who has never been in the service industry. Anyone with an attitude like this is guaranteed shitty service for the rest of their dining days, and they will never know why.

Dshafransky
Dshafransky

this is a load of crap dished out by a fool who has never worked in a restaurant...this post is a joke, or i hope it is, because if anyone sat at my table with such a condescending attitude, thinking that "the customer is always right" (which they are not), and wanting me to serve them in a manner that is against my training just because they say so... will get what is coming to them. i promise.

Happy happy hap
Happy happy hap

From #10 through #5...... it sounds like you're just bitter about people being friendly and trying to be helpful. I especially found it odd that you want to make obscene gestures at a waiter because the restaurant he works for doesn't offer free food. (#8)

Tigs
Tigs

I hope you wrote this strictly to get a rise out of people because this was perhaps the dumbest shit I've ever read. 

Lheggen
Lheggen

this is stupid & you clearly are ignorant to what it's like to be a server. you jackass. these are all polite ways of saying what we're really thinking, which i don't think you'd prefer. you rude fat fuck. 

Tiffanyrenee1986
Tiffanyrenee1986

I cannot stand people first of all! I have been a server for 7 years now and its good money but the shit I put up with is not even nearly worth it! The server is not responsible for everything! The server didnt make the prices, the rules, the menu, the beverages choices or even cook the food. So next time you decide to be a wining asshole take it to your mother! Dumb fuckers!

Forgotten667
Forgotten667

Wow, Ive was a waiter for a while a few years back, this is list is fucking retarded, those type of responses will get you a nice wad of spit in your drink ;D

Hyper_chick_1985
Hyper_chick_1985

10.We prefer parties all at once so you're not waiting for us if we get another table.9. Everyone has to start somewhere and having a trainee means you will get faster service with extra hands. 8. We don't set the menu dude. 7. See above. 6. If you have to ask you really don't want it. 5. We need to get your attention somehow since you push the plates as far from the edge as possible. 4. We have to ask that dipshit.3. You may just be fat. 2. I'm not gonna waste my time getting you change if you really don't want it. 1. If you don't have the money to tip you shouldn't be eating out. I'd you don't have the money for the bill you shouldn't be eating out.

Chris
Chris

Whoever wrote this list needs to go kill themself. This is the reason why you get bad service at a restaurant...because you think the waiter is your slave. If you don't want to tip, stay at home and eat your wife's or mom's or gay lover's cooking. Half the stuff you're complaining about shows how ignorant and stupid and clueless you ar when it comes to dining out. Maybe if you payed your credit card bill it wouldn't decline.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Whoever wrote this is obviously a person who has no experience working in a restaurant. I laugh at all of these silly examples and add it too the ever growing list of "dumb things customers say."

We are not mind readers. I don't know if you're done with your food, I don't know if you saved room for desert, I don't know if you want change, I don't know any places that carry both Pepsi and coke products (I do understand the difference), and WTF am i supposed to say when you decide to not pay your bills and your credit card is declined? Maybe we should announce it to the table and tell you that since you are out without having any Money you can help our dishwasher clean the kitchen.

And I would never say "wow, you must have been hungry."

Mike
Mike

I am so glad that everyone hated on this author. I was half expecting to see all sorts of agreement stemming from a basic misunderstanding of how a restaurant works. This author is clearly a fat entitled bitch.

Buckeye
Buckeye

Are all waiters as thin-skinned as those posting here today?

thisdaydreamer
thisdaydreamer

#2and #3 are mild sucks, and they aren't even close to being as bad as this list in general. As far as #1, what on earth do you expect the server to do?

Jglass
Jglass

Wow...

add me to the list of those amazed by how awful this blog has gotten.

Let us hope this is the low point.

Brent D.
Brent D.

Wow...in two months this blog has turned from one of the best(in Dallas) to the absolute worst(in the world).

Robert, can you kill this thing?

As with the Sportorium (which I haven't read in so long I can't even spell),...signing off.

TLS
TLS

Maybe it's an attempt to see if anyone is still paying attention to this blog.

JF
JF

This is mostly just a condensed and shitty version of the "100 things" list that the New York Times did about 6 months ago. That one at least had a few that were decent, but it was mostly full of shit too. Of course, you don't see NYT writers with the gall to get pissed at a server for a declined credit card, make that their top annoyance, and suggest it gives you the right to skip out on your bill. I'm not trying to be a snob about this, but if you're ordering diet soda with your dinner and expecting your meal to come with fries, then you aren't at an establishment where you have the right to expect 5-star service. I'd add that it's the height of lame to print something on this blog without information about the author.

There's a long shot chance that maybe we're all off base here and this was an attempt to satirize the practice of creating "Top Restaurant Service Annoyance" lists. It's become really popular and most are just as dumb as this one. If that was the intent, you failed there too.

cp
cp

No shot, what a dumb article. My wife is a manager at one of Dallas's top 10 restaurants, so I really can't relate with most of this list. Where she works, people are professional servers, meaning that they are the best in their field, they don't job-hop, they make probably three times as much as the writer of this article and can retire happily. Look at all the famous, top restaurants across the world, and you will fine the same floor staff and managers as were there 20 years ago. This list is just dumb. Where the hell do you people eat where you have to ask if fries come with that and are surprised when it doesn't? And are you sure it's a server that you're talking to and not the line-cook taking your order? Idiots. Where the hell did Dave go???

twinwillow
twinwillow

Is the Observer pulling homeless people off the street to write this shit.Dave Faries, where are you? Please say you're coming back. Please!!!!

Dang Good
Dang Good

This Top 10 listing is ridiculous! Obviously, the person who constructed this list wasn't & has never been a server.If you want a legit 'Top 10' listing of things a server should never do or say, go to the NY Times site. Overall, I agree w/ Doug & btw this number 1 listing- the declined credit card ordeal? Its happened to me several times & I have no qualms of lettingsomeone know that their form of payment has declined. How else does a cheap bastard pay for their meal?

anon anon
anon anon

I miss Dave Faries and lame articles like this are why.

Kyle
Kyle

Was this supposed to be funny?

bruce
bruce

I hate it when I'm at Hooter's eating wings and the waitress keeps coming by asking me if I would mind putting my pants back on. It happens a lot at Bone Daddy's and Twin Peaks, too. They must all have the same owners or something...

Josh
Josh

I actually went into this article thinking.. "Hey, this might be pretty funny." I was wrong. Most of the things that have been listed are not the server's problem. Who cares if it's diet coke or diet pepsi? A server can't change that. Complain to the company. And why should WE have to put up with YOUR horrible attitude? I treat everyone with respect and am an extremely helpful and friendly server. I am astounded by the ignorance of this author. No wonder his name isn't listed.. every server in America would spit in his food. What a fool. In Texas we are paid $2.13 and hour. I have to put up with fucktards like this for that amount of pay. Astounding.

Margie
Margie

This was pretty bad. The pictures are offensive. The content was pretty pointless and juvenile. Still no word on who wrote it or why. I wouldn't say that COA was the shittiest blog ever, though.

fescue
fescue

outside of the Hophead and the occasional "new" Toque to Toque, is there any doubt left that COA is the shittiest blog, and the Observer dining section the shittiest group of don't-know-jack-about-food writers, in memory?

Ed D.
Ed D.

Yeah, only #2 and #3 seem like valid complaints. The good news is that this .200 batting average qualifies you to play for the Texas Rangers.

carrots are great
carrots are great

I have to jump on the bandwagon here...Whoever compiled this lame list is a whiney, bitchey pain in the ass. #2 and #3 are the only 2 on that whole list that i can slightly agree with. Stop your bitching, shut up and eat your goddamn dinner.

redheadedblonde
redheadedblonde

I've never worked in a restaurant (but I am in the service industry), and this list annoys me. I'm going to have to disagree with your statement and say that the attitude of your fellow diners makes or breaks the meal. I refuse to eat with someone who is rude to the server, doesn't tip (or is cheap), or acts entitled. #3's the only real legitimate complaint a diner could make about a server's attitude, and that's still a stretch.

Waiter
Waiter

10. Don't get mad at me. It's not my policy. I'm just doing my job.

9. How will my training somebody delay you? I'm showing him how to do things. Which, a lot of times, is turning tables because that's more $ for me.

8. If you've gotten that response, it means you asked if it came with fries. I'm only answering you.

7. Sounds like you're mad at me that you're fat. Drink water.

6. Why does this bother you?

5. Annoying, sure. I'd rather ask than take your plate if you're not finished though, even if you've spent an hour eating it.

4. Where I work, we have to ask if you want dessert.

3. Annoying.

2. Annoying. I always assume change is wanted.

1. This makes you an ass. A fucking ass. Blame me because it was declined? Burn in hell.

Mort
Mort

Working in the service industry has the potential to be positively soul-crushing; mostly because of patrons like the author of this article. 8/10 of these entries are a) out of the waiter/waitresses hands, or b)the nicest way to say something that sucks, but needs to be asked/answered.

Teddy
Teddy

This Top 10 list reads like it's coming from the worst kind of restaurant patron - The Over-Entitled Snob(Who's Never Worked In The Service Industry).

Most of these entries have nothing to do with the waiter; they have everything to do with the restaurant.

Corwin P
Corwin P

I chuckled zero times while reading this and laughed even fewer.

Jake
Jake

How about my name is...I won't remember it, I don't really care, and no offense but the best waiters are the ones you don't notice. As a former waiter all of the top 10 can still be said by saying it differently.

Ms. T
Ms. T

What a terrible list. Half of them only apply to Applebees-esque restaurants, and the other half of them are the fault of the customer for being so uptight.

TLS
TLS

I hate to dog-pile on you guys but I agree with the other comments. None of these are so bothersome or so common that it necessitates a top ten list. Well, #5 is irksome, but still.

I happen to like when I get the pro/trainee waitstaff combo. It usually means we have the best waiter, who is certainly not going to slack off with someone trailing him!

cynical old bastard
cynical old bastard

"Sorry, but your credit card was declined. Do you have another you'd like to try?"

So, how often does this come up among the staff of the Observer and City of Ate?

Margie
Margie

Why doesn't this article list the actual name of the person who wrote it?

Not Mike
Not Mike

This is a really childish entry, someone needs to grow up and lighten up.

Try being nice to servers and maybe you won't be so angry. I mean is it their fault you didn't pay your credit card bill?

Anything
Anything

@Buckeye Reaaalllly? Thin skinned? Imagine -if you can- that you based your livelihood and sustenance on $3.70/hr + any "extra" money from discretionary tips determined by impossible-to-please sadists like the above.  

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