In the quest for girl drink knowledge, I looked, this time, to my past--to the bottles that I remembered (from high school, mind you) containing a deceptively refreshing alternative to yucky, stinky boys' beer.
Ladies, remember the dawn of Sprite-like malt beverages? Yeah, well so do I.
Before I matured on to actual beer and liquor, I wanted something that tasted nothing like alcohol while still being able to hang with the bigs. Enter "malternative" products like Zima and Smirnoff Ice. So for this installment, my girls and I flashed back to those underage house party days and combined two supremely girly--and potentially headache-inducing--facets of pop culture: the season premiere of America's Next Top Model
and the Smirnoff Ice Party Pack (with a few additional flavors).
All the different brands of crazy that Tyra Banks (and her harem of potential clothes hangers) has to offer, Smirnoff Ice matched in punchy flavors. ANTM's (and Arlington's) loud street preachin' London had us drinking Raspberry Burst. GDD regular Marla described it tasting like the Jell-O popsicles she had as a kid. Stephanie concurred. As they guzzled, one couldn't help but notice, that like the model and the drink, they appeared sweet and innocent, but bold.
For catfight-hungry model Sandra, we countered with Green Apple Bite. Like her, it wasn't bitter, but a little tart. Girl drinker Sarah equated it to a Jolly Rancher and newcomer Brittan agreed that it had the sugary crisp green flavor of the iconic rectangular candy. Kina, a Zima drinker back in her club days (her fave bartender stocked just a few on her regular nights...because she was the only one who ever ordered it), offered that it was surprisingly good after all these years and that Smirnoff Ice's flavor options were definitely girl-geared.
For Allison, who we unanimously called "Crazy Eyes," we raised up bottles of Wild Grape. A cross between grape Kool-Aid and Sprite, it reminded me of Drank
, and indeed, it sent our Jessica to bed with a bit of a headache. Modeltestant Fo seemed to be well-rounded and of relatively sound mind, so we toasted her with the healthy-sounding Strawberry Acai. "This is the healthy one because it has acai in it," Michelle said. "The one you'd drink while you're doing yoga." (Somehow Michelle then correctly predicted that the runway portion of the show would involve strobe lights, posing a challenge for the epileptic model. Her foresight was impressive, but most likely unrelated to the Ice.)
Me? I rocked the original Smirnoff Ice in honor of the original crazies, Tyra and Mr. and Miss J. The too-easy-to-drink bev had the same citrusy flavor I remember and caused the same headache I used to try to hide after sleepovers. My theory is that when you basically combine beer and Sprite, drinkers of diet sodas like me aren't prepared for the sugar shock. It's sort of like the aftermath of Champagne...but far less elegant.
Still, while drinkin', it was definitely easy to down three in the time it would take to drink a beer and a half.
One model eliminated and previews for last night's makeover episode out of the way, the girls started heading home. On the way out, Michelle and Brittan gave the final Ice review almost simultaneously: "It definitely slowed my roll."
And just because, here are our favorite ANTM Season 12 premiere quotes: "This bitch tryin' to try me!" and "I am a fierce goddess of fierceness." Congratulations, you're still in the running to drink another Smirnoff Ice.